What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
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Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Not recommended for beginners.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.