You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
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Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above