Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
What’s with this ‘running with scissors’ bullshit? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?
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[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I just found out my mum didn’t know how to set the clock on their new microwave. So they stayed up until midnight & then plugged it in
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Welcome to adulthood, if you sleep on the wrong pillow you’ll feel like you got in a motorcycle accident for three days
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*