So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
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I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
We all have our pet causes.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.