What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

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APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane


a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head


I’ve been hit on by a number of women. That number is zero.


“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive


Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*


Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.


Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.


“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn


I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.