What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

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TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?


The ability to ask different questions
See this is what we were talking about


If we have learned anything from the Friday the 13th movies, it’s that Jason mainly kills people having sex. Most of you should be good.


My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.


Remember when you thought if you accidentally swallowed apple seeds, a tree would grow in your belly?

God I miss my ‘Thirties’….


brain: go to gym
body: please, go to gym
spirit: GYM!!!!!!!!!!

me: I’m gunna go get pasta