What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
New favorite tiktok
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Easy enough.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”