@TravLeBlanc

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

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@TheToddWilliams

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

@ibid78

WHAT DO WE WANT?
The ability to ask different questions
WHAT DO WE WANT?
See this is what we were talking about

@TheMichaelRock

If we have learned anything from the Friday the 13th movies, it’s that Jason mainly kills people having sex. Most of you should be good.

@Darlainky

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

@bfrosty04

Remember when you thought if you accidentally swallowed apple seeds, a tree would grow in your belly?

God I miss my ‘Thirties’….

@kelseydarragh

brain: go to gym
body: please, go to gym
spirit: GYM!!!!!!!!!!

me: I’m gunna go get pasta