@TravLeBlanc

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

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@bobvulfov

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

@jonnysun

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

@dugglebutt

I’ve been hit on by a number of women. That number is zero.

@VodkaShorebird

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

@fro_vo

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

@ericsshadow

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

@MichaelTrying

Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.

@sageboggs

“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn

@3sunzzz

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.