What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.