@lmegordon

What’s worse worse than an $18 toy that breaks immediately after you buy it? An $18 toy that still lights up and makes noise after 5 years of continuous use.

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@CaucasianJames

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

@TomTheWicked

Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game?

Me: because mommy isn’t there to do it.

@khatragirl

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

@jinkee

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

@alfageeek

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

@spikeWilton67

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

@GroovyTasia

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

@scott_towel

When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.