What’s worse worse than an $18 toy that breaks immediately after you buy it? An $18 toy that still lights up and makes noise after 5 years of continuous use.

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saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber


Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game?

Me: because mommy isn’t there to do it.


I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.


9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.


Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.


Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?


When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.