Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
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According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
These work great until they don’t.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Ladies, why y’all do this?
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.