A hot mess? No, thanks. Sounds sticky and uncomfortable. I prefer my messes like I prefer my revenge: cold and served to someone else.
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my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
[man comes home after long day, opens front door and is attacked by 8 cats]
MAN: There has to be a better way!
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
I’m on my way
Kurt Cobain: take your time
The choice is yours
Don’t be late
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
People are like, “Jess, can you give me some advice?” & I’m like, “K, don’t get kidnapped.”
[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: i’m a big fan of your work
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.