[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
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old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Husband: *is grumpy*
Me: Guys, looks like dad woke up on the wrong side of the bed
6YO: (suspicious) You rolled all the way to mom’s side of the bed?
Me: Remember when Rodney King got beat up and everyone had that weird party in LA?
Jill: It was a riot.
Me: It wasn’t funny Jill.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?