what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
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Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
According to math, I’m broke
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared