On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
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So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
work smarter, not harder
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”