Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
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Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
My what?
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.