When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
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Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.