“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
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Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
The 6 types of sex
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
synchronized noseblowing
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.