Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.

Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!

His wife: [glares at him]

Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

I love the honesty

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:

“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”

Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club