“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
You Might Also Like
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world