“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
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Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
dutch so unserious
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Wednesday
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff