@arandomhim

What’s your name?
SIENNA
Where you from, Sienna?
MALIBU
Do you like sports?
GOLF
You’re just replying w car brands aren’t you?
FORD F-SERIES

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@Jandalize

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

@living_marble

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

@MrEd_EVH

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

@DrakeGatsby

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

@CArmanthegirl

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

@JohnLyonTweets

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

@Breadery

My daughter: Do you want a kiss daddy?
Me: Of course.
My daughter: Does it make you sad that no other girls want to kiss you?
Me: Thanks.

@joeljeffrey

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

@trojansauce

[dogs around campfire]

*flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time