My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
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me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.