Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
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I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?