what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
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I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Bond. Trauma bond.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup