What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
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Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
The internet is magic sometimes.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
reminder
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O