What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
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True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I feel like one of these would kill a European