My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
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I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I’m being attacked 😭
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Going into Monday like
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!