@LittleMissLizz

What’s your weapon of choice in the zombie apocalypse? Mine is a slower person.

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@briancgrubb

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

@ArfMeasures

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

@MarieColette

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

@imteddybless

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

@ultimatesteve

*phone rings*

Wife: Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me: *dresses baby up in Superman costume & duct tapes him to ceiling fan*

Wife – “….””

@TheBoydP

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

@UniqueDude2

*Blows air in girls face like Nintendo cartridge*
“Ok, NOW will you go out with me?”

@flashember

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

@AnOrangeSNES

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children