*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
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Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.