What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
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Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Accurate
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one