What’s your WiFi pw?
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?

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93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.


Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.


Small kid : Mom what happens when you die?

Mom : Your soul will go to heaven.

Small kid : No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?


ME: I wish I could fix this problem


ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…


Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.


The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them


Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok



Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so


[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]


If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.