What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
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Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Netflix and awkward silence?
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
*orders delivery*
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.