[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
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I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars