[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
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Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there鈥檚 still like 3 fries left.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn鈥檛 send for ages and now you鈥檝e said something sooo odd out of context
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 馃槶
Sorry, I didn鈥檛 mean to lol your poetry
I don鈥檛 know what my spirit animal is, but I鈥檓 pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y鈥檃ll wanna be both
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it鈥檚 High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they鈥檙e miniature versions of you
crazy