[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
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If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.