[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
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MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”