Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
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Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.