whelp that’s enough instagram for today
You Might Also Like
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that