When 13 witches collectively fart in a cauldron and quickly cover it with a lid…

*lowers shades*

…Dutch Coven.

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Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.


I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.


I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.


In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.


A random guy held the door & paid for my Cinnabon roll at the truck stop today

He doesn’t know it, but this is the best date in a long time


HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly


A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids


Asked the burd in Krispy kremes for 5 Nutella donuts and she says “have you got any nut allergies” aye pal I’m planning suicide by donut