@PopSlapFunk

When 13 witches collectively fart in a cauldron and quickly cover it with a lid…

*lowers shades*

…Dutch Coven.

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@TheBoydP

You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…

@iscoff

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

@Drytown1

Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!

@vangobot

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

@LOsepyan

According to my next door neighbor’s diary I have “boundary issues” can you believe that?

@T_Longstreth

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

@2questionable

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

@NikkiGlaser

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

@E_lok44

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.