blocked.
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whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Trumpy Cat
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep