Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
You Might Also Like
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”