HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
When a “Baby On Board” sticker is a little faded and beat up you know the kid is at least a year or two old now and the car is safe to ram
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How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Plan B and pregnancy tests should be sold at the Liquor Store as a ‘one stop shop’ kinda thing. Save all that judgment for one cashier.
gender reveal party:
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing
father reveal party:
-party may end early
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.