@Integrity_Guy

When a “Baby On Board” sticker is a little faded and beat up you know the kid is at least a year or two old now and the car is safe to ram

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@Ristolable

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

@dmndstarpotato

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

@BigJDubz

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

@mrsmith196645

Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!

@seandunn76

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

@SardonicTart

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

@N0pantz

Plan B and pregnancy tests should be sold at the Liquor Store as a ‘one stop shop’ kinda thing. Save all that judgment for one cashier.

@jakery

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

@TheBoydP

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.