When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
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My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out