[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
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“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
me irl
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Sounds like a bargain