we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
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“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Leaving the Barbers like
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
The first one, obviously
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.