When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
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I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Just had my nails done!
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Lassie, get help!
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.