When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

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Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”


I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.


House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.


Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”


Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now


[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”


I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.


Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal


Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.