When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
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Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.