When a cashier asks me for my email address, I keep naming random letters as they type it to see how long I can go before they give up.

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Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*


BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]


Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.


Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes


[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit


[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”


Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word


I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.


Alexa, which cat breeds are the most absorbent?


Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.