@drinksmcgee

When a cashier asks me for my email address, I keep naming random letters as they type it to see how long I can go before they give up.

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@ComedySpeech

Sharks aren’t the bad guys. If some stranger entered my house in just a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.

@Home_Halfway

MUGGER: *exasperated* Look dude. I’m NOT mad at you. I JUST want your money and your watch. That’s it. We’re totally okay, I promise.

ME: *wiping snot from my nose* …okay, do you promise you aren’t mad though

@Elizasoul80

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

@ozzyunc

My great-grandmother lived to 101. Her six children are all alive & have each outlived a spouse. The secret to a long life is not enjoying it.

@prufrockluvsong

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

@freypalm

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

@KrangTNelson

guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

@birbigs

3 Doors Down: “Okay, so we’ve named the band. Now what?”

@hamspamtymaam

Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.