@drinksmcgee

When a cashier asks me for my email address, I keep naming random letters as they type it to see how long I can go before they give up.

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@AnkCoupleTO

Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*

@joejwest

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

@elle91

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

@LlamaInaTux

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

@CyborgHanky

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

@stevevsninjas

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

@newLettuce

Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word

@markydoodoo

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

@yonewt

Alexa, which cat breeds are the most absorbent?

@Staggfilms

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.