When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
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Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
figuring out my emotional availability:
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go