When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
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‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
If you had more money you’d be happier.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
My good tweets are in my other pants.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.