When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

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HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes



ME: did the dog put you up to this


I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”


[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?


I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.


Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s


Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*


My desires are unconfessional. No wait. Unconditional? Pumpkin sensual? I just had it. Undone sectionals? Unmoustachable? Stunned pistachio?


We’re adults. It’s bad enough we selfie. Don’t make it worse with the surprise face selfie


Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people…or sometimes floors


“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops


dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
dracula: I will suck u dry
dracula: why do u keep giggling