When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
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He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
So the ex texted me
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.