@Marlebean

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

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@celestinelea90

90% of the steps on my FiBit are just me wandering around looking for my keys

@punmagnate

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

@upsidedowntrash

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

@joanneraposo

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

@astutenewf

M: I can’t access Twitter

IT: We blocked twitter

M: What am I supposed to do with this computer now?

IT: Work?

M: Who hurt you?

@sonictyrant

Me: *blindfolded* yah it’s pepsi. So do i win anything?

Kidnapper: no

@perfect_messs

[during sex]
Him, referring to my Spanx: Don’t you want to take those off first?
Me: It took me 3 hrs to get these on. This is my skin now.

@Donna_McCoy

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

@ibid78

After I undress you with my eyes I redress you with my eyes because it’s still January so it’s super cold out and I have considerate eyes.