When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
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“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.