90% of the steps on my FiBit are just me wandering around looking for my keys
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
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Co-worker: You drink a lot of coffee!!!!
Me: It’s for your own safety.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
M: I can’t access Twitter
IT: We blocked twitter
M: What am I supposed to do with this computer now?
M: Who hurt you?
Me: *blindfolded* yah it’s pepsi. So do i win anything?
Him, referring to my Spanx: Don’t you want to take those off first?
Me: It took me 3 hrs to get these on. This is my skin now.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
After I undress you with my eyes I redress you with my eyes because it’s still January so it’s super cold out and I have considerate eyes.