When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
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Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no