When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
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HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold