When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
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Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.