When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
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Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
DOOO EEEET
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up