@PhilJamesson

when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold

You Might Also Like

@perlhack

Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?

Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?

@fangrlsproblem

school: late

dentist: late

wedding: late

give birth: late

concert: 7 hours early

@daemonic3

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

@1Happytwit

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

@tomrrllc

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

@gavinpivott

I was in a flash mob once. We’d mainly just hold people at gunpoint until they updated their Adobe.

@FunnyBison

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

@FredTaming

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

@PaperWash

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

@topherjordan

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.