when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
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The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus